pre tween daughter info

Parents often ask me how to get along with their suddenly volatile preteen daughter,” writes psychologist Laura Markham. “It’s a shock when your previously sweet little girl starts throwing tantrums again. Twelve year old girls can be moody, overdramatic, self-centered, focused almost solely on friends, close-mouthed, surly, back-talking and condescending to parents. They can, of course, also be mature, affectionate and delightful, but at their worst they’re a cross between the most challenging aspects of toddlers and teens.”

So with that in mind, Dr. Markham offers 16 tips to make parenting a tween girl a little less dramatic. After all, she asserts, “The good news is that if you can accept this new situation and adjust your parenting accordingly, the tween years are the perfect time to solidify your relationship, before she heads into the teen years.”

Markham’s tips range from ways to build a relationship -- “Fight like the dickens to stay close to your daughter. Do not let her push you away….Find every opportunity to connect.” -- to important things to understand about your tween -- “Be aware that tween girls usually harbor great anxiety about adolescence….Most girls don’t know how to put these anxieties into words, but they feel them” -- to very practical tips -- “Be sure your daughter is getting nine hours of sleep each night, as an absolute minimum… The famous moodiness of teenagers is partly attributable to late bedtimes, which have become standard practice in our culture.”

Markham wants parents to know that it’s important to “nurture your daughter’s passions. Anything she really cares about and can throw herself into is protective, a place to feel competent, a place to push herself, a place to lose herself when the arrows of outrageous fortune pierce too deeply.” And as you do that, make sure that you “find appropriate ways to give your daughter independence… [so] she won’t have to rebel against you to start standing on her own two feet.”

And several of the tips are addressed directly to how a parent feels. She reminds parents to “try not to feel hurt by anything she does or says. Most of it is not about you at all, but about her tumultuous hormones and emotions, her huge fears and insecurities, her urgent need to shape an identity as a separate, independent person.” She also says that it’s important that you “[d]on’t stop being physically close. Your preteen daughter’s body is growing into womanhood, but she is still your little girl, and she still needs your physical closeness.”

Most importantly? Keep in mind that “no one parents perfectly... The inevitable ruptures of daily life become opportunities to teach them so many lessons: how to process their emotions, how to repair an emotional rift, how to problem solve, that they can trust us.” After all, “[o]ur daughters may look like young women, but they’ve got a lot of growing up to do emotionally. It’s our job -- and our privilege -- to support them in that process.”

You can read all of Markham’s helpful tips on Care2 at http://bit.ly/1NakSNF

For two excellent parenting resources for parents of middle school girls, we recommend "Middle School Makeover: Improving the Way You and Your Child Experience the Middle School Years” (http://www.amightygirl.com/middle-school-makeover) and "The Drama Years: Real Girls Talk About Surviving Middle School" (http://www.amightygirl.com/the-drama-years)

A highly recommended resource to help mothers and daughters stay close during these transition years is the popular shared journal for ages 8 and up, "Just Between Us: A No-Stress, No-Rules Journal for Girls and Their Moms" at http://www.amightygirl.com/just-between-us

Another great book for mothers of older tweens and teens is the joint parent/teen guide book, "Mothering and Daughtering: Keeping Your Bond Strong Through the Teen Years" at http://www.amightygirl.com/mothering-and-daughtering

To help your tween understand the changes she's experiencing both physically and emotionally during puberty, check out the books recommended in our post on “Talking with Tweens and Teens About Their Bodies” at http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=2229

For many resources specifically geared toward helping girls prepare for and understand their periods, visit our post: “That Time of the Month: Teaching Your Mighty Girl about Her Menstrual Cycle” at www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=3281