Friday, May 30, 2014

5/30/14

Here's what we've got to say about our children and harsh language...there's more, but it's a start.


Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts! We advocate "freedom of the mouth" while a child is crying/struggling/trembling, but think it's best for limits to be expressed (not easy to enforce limits on speech, but saying we can't let them go on like that, and coming close so they can feel our attention, often gives them a trigger, something to bounce up against, to get to emotional release. Once crying, we figure what they say is important to listen to. It indicates the nature of the hurt, or perhaps even the source of it--it's all to the good to get the awful feelings out and away.

Best,

Patty (Wipfler)

Meeting an upset child with harshness just compounds the tension he’s under. It’s not the best way to go, though generations of parents have given that kind of heated response. The child uses the harsh language silently in his mind, stewing with anger, and it all pops out later, having festered. We’ve all had this experience: “Go ahead. Shut me up now. You’ll pay later,” is the bitter attitude that punishment fosters.
On the other hand, reasoning with a child who’s using bad language doesn’t work that well, either. Reasoning can sometimes work to distract a child for a time, but it doesn’t address the emotional tension he’s harboring, the tension that sets the stage for the harsh behavior. That’s the real cause of his troubles, and It’s that tension that needs to be addressed.
But we definitely do not recommend just letting name-calling behavior go unchecked. It’s frightening to children to have their hurtful behavior ignored, and it wears on everyone in the environment. Some response must be found that honors the goodness of the child, but definitely curbs the harshness.

start with yourself!

If you react with upset or anger or sudden outbursts, you won’t have much flexibility with your child until you’ve handled your own storehouse of feelings.  There are important questions, the answers to which will help you defuse the situation so that you can be of real help to your child.
Find someone who you can ask to listen to you, simply listen, while you talk about what happens inside of you when harsh language is being used.  You don’t need advice. You need someone’s supportive and undivided attention while you explore what’s behind the heat that erupts when your child needs help from you.
That heat comes from some tense experience you have carried forward from your own experience. Were you punished harshly for talking that way? Did you see siblings being punished? What kinds of language did your parents use when they became angry? What’s your history with the exact word your child is using that triggers a big response from you? These questions are important, and answering them may put you in touch with how you felt as a child, how you were treated, and with the longings for closeness and belonging that you had. A good cry or a good laugh will help you relax.
Try to remember: your child is going to turn out all right! He needs some guidance, but you don’t have to worry that a few bad word incidents mean he’s on the road to disaster!

then, observe.

Second (and this may sound odd, but bear with me), observe. When does your child use these words? What kinds of situations? Right when he comes home from school or daycare? When his siblings are playing with his things? Only around a group of children? When you’ve been busy for the last ten minutes? Fifteen minutes? When he faces a transition? Try to figure out what the situations are that make him feel separate, lonely, or disconnected enough to act harshly. There are clues to places where he loses his confidence in the timing of his behavior. For instance, one child I knew only called names when he came into preschool after a group of children had formed around an activity. Entering the group, he must have felt scared that there wasn’t room for him. So he called his friends names! Once you understand the situations that strain your child’s confidence, try offering support. Here are a couple of ways to do that.

use special time strategically

Try Special Time. It’s a very simple but powerful tool, especially when used just before or after challenging situations. For instance, do 10 minutes of Special Time right when you get home at night, if he’s using harsh language late in the day. Or if he tends to mouth off by 10 a.m. on Saturday mornings, then start Saturdays with a good 20 minutes of Special Time. Or offer it several times a day, just 5 minutes, if he’s targeting his sibling. It can serve to help a child feel more connected, and get reconnected. It’s a proactive tool–do it before trouble starts, and see if it helps.

set limits with warmth and, when you can, with humor.

Special Time won’t erase the use of harsh language, but it will make the limits you set work to help relieve your child’s frightened or aggressive behavior. You need to stop the harsh language, but with good will toward your child. You don’t have to pull a serious parental power play every time a child uses a harsh word. You DO need to address that behavior, the very first time it appears. But you don’t have to be the bad guy. It works much better if you assume that your child is tender and loving, and is just trapped underneath some unpleasant bad feelings for the moment. To help him get free, try something like one of the following interventions:
• Good naturedly scoop him up in your arms, and say, “Ahhk! I heard that S-word! I heard you say “S-lovely!” Nuzzle him, cuddle him, see if you can get him laughing with the physical affection you offer him.
• Say, “When you say “Stupid!” I say, “Here comes the Stupid sweeper!” Then, be a silly Stupid Sweeper, lumbering around after him with your arms out, in mock fork-lift fashion, attempting to scoop him up in your arms or throw him over your shoulders and bounce him around a bit.
• Say, “Oooh! I’m going to get anybody who says that Stupid word! Here I come!” and chase him around, taking care not to catch him too soon. When you finally succeed, toss him and wrestle him some, affectionately, with warmth.
Why do this? Because your child is signaling that he can’t think–the use of harsh language means that he can’t feel his connections with anyone in the family. Playing with good humor, getting laughter and affection going, tussling and wrestling and chasing in order to make lively contact without trying to punish, helps a child recover the feeling that it’s good to be in the family. Your protest, goofy as it is, sets a model for protesting when he is called names, or when others are called names and you’re not there to moderate the action. The laughter and physical play will help him relax, offload the bad feelings he’s been carrying, and get oriented to being a cooperative member of the family again. Don’t be surprised if he wants to play “the Stupid Game” over and over again: he can feel the healing action of the laughter and the affection you are offering, and he wants to soak up as much of that as he can. He’s trying to recover from the effects of behavior that has rankled his system. His instincts are good!

often, a good cry is waiting in the wings for a listener.

If there’s sadness or fear stored underneath his use of harsh language, those feelings will burst forth when you tell him it’s time to stop playing the “Stupid Game,” or when you simply reach over, put your arm around him, and say gently, “I can’t let you say those things to me. What happened to make you want to call me Stupid?”
You don’t always need to respond with humor: sometimes, just moving in, offering eye contact and warmth, and a limit, will help him notice how badly he is feeling underneath. His feelings will make him want to run away, or call you more names, or lash out with fists or feet. Stay nearby, keep him from hurting anyone, and follow him if he leaves. He needs you nearby so that he can feel the possibility of connecting with you. He needs a listener.
When the name-calling happened, he was stunned, and probably frightened. He couldn’t tell anyone how he felt. Now, he has you. Now is the time to pour out the upset and confusion and anger he absorbed. He may aim his upset at you. But if he’s crying, perspiring, or thrashing, your listening is a healing force that’s going to relieve the stored tension that’s behind this behavior. He may not cry right when you stop the name-calling, but find a little excuse five minutes later: his noodles have too much cheese on them, or water has spilled onto his shirt. Don’t quibble with the way he began to cry, no matter how trivial it is. It kicks the door open so he can feel the hurt that throbs and bothers. LISTEN. He’s clearing out the emotional roots of the harsh language kick that he’s been on. When someone was calling him names, or calling his friends names, he didn’t protest, he was too frozen or confused to do so. So now, safe with you, he can finish the protest he would have loved to launch, if he had had support while names were being called.
Listen, be patient, keep directing him gently toward looking again at his cheesy noodles, or at the wet spot on his shirt, but leave lots of time for him to have these big feelings first. He’ll get back to functioning when he’s finished, and you’ll see positive changes in his behavior soon.
We call this Staylistening. It’s not a way our parents knew to help us. It’s challenging to do. But it is the very best thing I know of in helping children rise above the behaviors they’ve been frightened by, but then have adopted.
Let us know how this works!
Yours,
Patty Wipfler
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/whats-the-cure-for-children-whining/
sewing ideas!  http://childhood101.com/2010/09/our-toddler-friendly-sewing-basket/
http://www.elizabethgrattan.com/prose/doingparentingwrong   anti spanking




Thursday, May 29, 2014

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/111816003222988549/  20 art educ blogs

may 30

http://www.iflscience.com/environment/simple-tree-branch-filter-makes-dirty-water-drinkable

tree as water filter

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/05/did-my-high-need-child-need-to-cry-guest-post-by-jane-roets/

magda gerber.org  and  http://outofthenest-jane.blogspot.com/

exlnt  Connective Parenting: Principle #5 — Connection Strengthens Relationship. 
Any obstacle in your child’s way of success is your opportunity for connection. Connection means acknowledging, understanding, and validating your child’s experience. Negative emotions are normalized when we can say, I get it or I‘ve been there, too. The child feels understood and is more willing to manage his behavior cooperatively. Connection is THE preventive measure against risky, rebellious, and defiant behavior. Reconnection can happen hours, days, weeks, even months or years later—it’s never too late.

This message was sent to cmitzi86@gmail.com from:
Connective Parenting | 152 Windy Row | Peterborough, NH 03458

To raise a problem-solver:
  • Engage your child in thinking through how she might handle a problem rather than imposing how you would handle it.
  • Encourage you child to speak up for herself, say “no” when she doesn’t want what is being offered or pressured, be aggressive when called for. That means allowing young children to say “no” to you when they don’t like something you have said or done.
  • Teach your children how to walk down the street with confidence. Encourage self-defense programs and body language awareness.
  • Allow your children to experience situations in which to solve problems.
  • When children express distress over happenings in their lives, ask what they might like to do to take action. Ask, “What can you do to change that?” Even if nothing can be done, allow expression of anger or outrage.
  • Focus on the good and look for the heroic stories to tell your children. For instance, Bostonians opened their homes for meals, couches and beds for those stranded at the airport. Many ran to the scene to help those hurt.
  • Ask, “What do you think you would have done if you had been there?”
We must keep the perspective that tragedies have been happening for as long as the world has been. Plagues and wars, disease and death, violence and evil have always been in the world. And even though the media may tell a different story, tragedies remain infrequent. Let’s not allow those who are determined to hurt and kill to ruin life for all of us.

- See more at: http://bonnieharris.com/wordpress/in-time-of-tragedy-look-to-yourself-first/#sthash.k3BivXD4.dpuf


5 min yoga for yp
http://blog.gaiam.com/5-minute-a-day-yoga-routine-for-kids/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Life&RMID=Life_2014_05_29&RRID=57451499

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/#inbox/1464790938cd431c  yoga for balance

Monday, May 26, 2014

to watch/read soon

http://www.longevitywarehouse.com/ourblog/dr-mercolas-1-recomendation-for-health/http://info.corewalking.com/rectus-femoris?utm_referrer=http%3A%2F%2Fblog.corewalking.com%2Fthe-solidity-of-the-spine%2F

http://decolonization.wordpress.com/2014/05/26/white-settlers-and-indigenous-solidarity-confronting-white-supremacy-answering-decolonial-alliances/

straw weaving  











Memorial Day 5/26/14

THE WELL OF GRIEF
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief,
turning down through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe,
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering,
the small round coins,
thrown by those who wished for something else.
The Well of Grief
River Flow
New & Selected Poems
Many Rivers Press © David Whyte
Photo: © David Whyte 2012: Easedale Tarn, Far Easedale, Cumbria.
MEmorial DAy, 2014